Pained Heart: Remembering Courageous Caitie

Yesterday is a devastating one for me. As a mother, I cannot imagine myself losing my child because of a life-threatening illness. During the journey, it's like each day gets harder and harder and you don't know what tomorrow has in store. You don't know until when the agony and pain will end. I am talking about the painful story of the almost 4 year old Caitlin 'Caitie' Lucas, daughter of Feliz and Jay Jay, who suffered and acquired a rare kind of leukemia which I got to follow in their facebook page, Courageous Caitie. Before, I was glued on the same situation of the 4-year-old daughter of actress Jackie Forster, Caleigh known as Kikay Caleigh at Instagram, who was struck with leukemia (but not the rare kind) also. But now, I rejoice because she was healed by God. It's so painful and I can't bear to feel what the parents of Caitie's undergoing right now. Sure, words of God and people who sympathize overflows with so much encouragement for the bereaved family. But nothing can ease as of the moment the reality of losing a loved one. I cannot bear to post photos from their Facebook page because everytime I see it, my eyes and heart tears. It aches so much. Yesterday at lunch break, I really cried coupled with sobs in between and even now writing this piece. I remember the photos of Feliz and Jay Jay holding Caitie's lifeless body in their arms. And in one photo, Jay Jay cradled Caitie and kissed her on the forehead. It's such a sorrowful ending. My only consolation is that Caitie is now pain-free and is safely in God's hands. My reflections about this journey of Caitie and her family is I PRAY that... I wish that accepting death is not too hard to deal with. Honestly now, I fear the life after death. Because I don't know where my soul take me. I know I will be in an unknown place and travel alone. I fear death because I still don't want to leave my kids behind at a very young age. I want to be present in their journey towards adulthood. Secondly, how I wish that my faith endures all things. Yes, I am weak. I need God in my life so much and I know that I've been missing a lot because I am preoccupied with a lot of worldly things.



Caitie touched my heart in so many ways. Like I said, I have a child almost as the same age of Caitie. That's why I am so moved and touched with the Lucas' family journey. Seeing my kids last night as I arrive home from work, I feel blessed and grateful to God that my kids are healthy and active. And I pray that it will always be that way. As a working mother, every minute that I got a chance to be with them, I take advantage of it by spending quality time with them. I know I am not a perfect mother and sometimes I want to take a break but with the realization Caitie has shared to us, I will never stop being there for my children. So that in the end there will be no regrets... only gratefulness of the moments that God gave to each one of us.

Caitie, my dear, you'll always be remembered. Thank you for showing to me how to be courageous, faithful and cheerful despite life's battles. Please help your Mama and Papa cope up with your loss. Always make rainbows in the sky so that they will feel your presence even in that instance. I love you!


For full details of Caitie's journey until the end, see links below:
http://www.yourpagemeetsmine.com/
http://mommyfleur.com/2016/03/31/rest-now-courageous-caitie/
http://teachwithjoy.com/2016/03/courageous-caities-legacy/

Heartbreaking Friday the 13th

Was it a mere coincidence or fated to happen? Last Friday, the 13th, shocked the whole world hours or days later. I don't want to believe in a Friday the 13th that it comes with a bad luck or something not nice will happen. After all it was a payday and many of us got already our partial pay bonus. That is not a bad luck after all, you think? This is what I saw in my Facebook newsfeed today...

I was stunned to read that Japan and Mexico was struck by a magnitude 8 and 4.3 earthquake, respectively. Honestly, I wasn't really shock of Beirut and Baghdad's bombing attacks because for me, it is kind of a usual happening that I hear and see in news of places being part of the Middle East and Muslim areas because of this ISIS thing. Seeing and hearing these news every time in that side of the globe breaks my heart especially if affected people are family with children. Even the Muslim people condemn these kind of terrorist attacks. It's against the law of Islam and their Quran. But what terrifies me the most is it was a random and planned event that lead to Paris terrorist attack that led to hundreds of death and seriously injured. It is disturbing to hear these news because its target are public places were innocent people are put in danger. More so a lot of tourist flock in the City of Lights all year round. It is frightening that there's no safe place anymore even if you're in the compounds of your own home. Christmas time is already a few days away and it's saddening to note all of these chaos happening in our world when it should be excitement, hope and joy we feel as we wait for the holidays draws nearer. 

Here in our country, we experienced a magnitude of 4.0 quake in Davao City last Nov. 7, 2015 and it was said that it is possible that we'll be experiencing a 7.0M quake noting that their are new fault lines discovered. Yesterday's local newspaper wrote about recent bombings in Mindanao particularly in Kabacan, North Cotabato hurting 7 people including minors.

I wish for world peace and that people should be sensitive to others in order to have a loving and happy environment to live in. So much anger in one's heart makes a destructive world that we don't care anymore of others but only our own. I pray that God will touch these bad people's hearts and minds that they may see how cruelty they've caused. A change of heart and a total surrender to God will make a big difference. 

Now That You're Gone

I received a phone call yesterday that took me seconds to digest on it. A heartbreaking news of a sudden loss of a loved one. One of my close guy friend and classmate in high school lost his mother because of a sudden heart attack. The tragic death of her mom shocked me and is still unbelievable to me. This guyfriend of mine, we haven't seen each other for 18 long years. The last time we saw each other was at our high school graduation. Even though we still studied college in the same city, we had our respective circle of friends in our college years and time didn't permit us to meet once in a while. Two years after graduating from college, he flew to United Kingdom and worked there as a nurse. Even though for that span of time he comes home for a vacation here but I don't know why we could not meet. Thankfully, through the efforts of one of our classmate, we were able to meet just last week. It was a Thursday. It feels like nothing has changed and it feels good to be reunited.


His name is Jon. He's an only child. He lost his father a couple of years ago. I got to catch up with him during our meeting: his life alone in England. It's good to know how he has become a responsible son and a family to his relatives. I so admire him with all the accomplishments he had made for himself and for his relatives. Such a genuine heart at that. He always want to give the best for his mother. He said the only family he has right now is his mom. I felt a bit of guilt because I asked him a question pertaining to her long term plans whether to stay in UK for good or settle here. If not for his mom, there's no reason for him to get back here, he said. Maybe for a vacation just to reminisce the country where he grew up from. Then I shoot a question, what if your mom will be gone? Then he just shrugged. Then 3 days after that meeting, that question became a reality. I should have not asked that. Parang 'usog'? I felt weird and sorry.


It dawned to me again that in whatever way, God has its way of ending our lives in the right time and place. Who would have thought about dying when at that moment you are on for a great vacation with your mother? All plans are ready to be fulfilled. You are already in the pre-departure area ready to board the plane who'd bring you to your destination. You know your mom is in good shape and fit to do fun-filled activities. And then all of a sudden, it comes to a full stop. With Jon's mom, the unusual more than a month vacation that he spent here in the Philippines that should have been the usual 3-week vacation only gave more time of him and his mom to bond and be together. But it's such a bitter ending. Seeing your loved one pass away in your own eyes and feeling the pain she is undergoing, those seconds are like hours full of agony and hell. You wish that that moment will finally end and can easily be mended. You wish that everything will be okay but damn not. 


Right now, I just want to hug my friend really tight. I know he is not okay. I wish him to be but I know how it feels to have lost a loved one. I wish that hug could take away a bit of pain he is now feeling. But I know it is not too soon. I worry about him a lot. I feel so sorry for his loss. To you my friend Jon, I really wish you well and peace. I know it's hard because your mom is in good condition. You wouldn't expect that this all happen in a flash. But it happened. I pray for strength, for hope and comfort in this trying times. Just keep in mind and heart that God has reasons and that we should trust on that purpose for what happened. Cheng said, everything is in perfect timing. I guess it is. 

Passing Away

Today, around 12 noon, our grandmother passed away in her death bed. Not in the hospital but at home. She's the mother of my mother-in-law. We were just there last night to visit. But the entire family is just waiting for her farewell. They knew that it will be coming soon. My Mother-in-law pass by yesterday at my grandmother's doctor and honestly told her there's nothing more they can do because her kidney is totally not functioning well. The doctor even told her that eating in solid and liquid form is avoided already. More so, even if admitting her in the hospital won't help because she can easily acquire virus now that her immune system is very weak. The aunt of my husband told me that half her body down has no sensation at all. This morning the siblings of my mother-in-law were at their house because they knew they're just waiting for hours.

At this time, I recalled how also my other grandmother passed away. I was there in the hospital in her last breath. My grandmother passed away peacefully like she's just sleeping. But it was really painful seeing my grandfather beside my grandma. He talked to my grandma like she just listens. That's why I was kind of traumatized this time. I only saw once the grandmother of my husband in her bed. But I never came to take a peek on her after that because it pains my heart. Now, the entire family grieves with the lost of a family member.  And I pray, that "Lola Toling" will rest in peace. She's now pain-free and worry-free because she's now with the Lord.